Simple Serenity

Still here

14 May 2012 Leave a Comment

by Soleil in General

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated and for many reasons. Things with the family I live with went from bad to worse, I had and still have serious money problems, and things have just been bad for me in almost all areas of my life. But I’ve somehow made it through and now I’m trying to piece my life back together and stay in france.

The family decided that they would not keep me another year here and did not give me any warning. And because of their constant vacactions they had me not working ie getting paid, so I ended up losing out on a lot of money. Struggling to eat and pay for classes is not what I had in mind so this made me even more upset than I was about my french(which is still poor), my life, and C, who in my mind is doing a lot better than I am because she just is.

I started modelling, but with very little progress. Only 3 people wanted to use me and only 2 provided decent results. I might have a shoot in a few weeks but it’s not confirmed, and it is quite possibly the last photoshoot that I have before I leave Lyon. To say the least, I’m not half as succesful as C, who is in a larger, more diverse urban city, and agency signed.

Because of the family I speak very little french, even though I can understand a bit. I can read well but not speaking has hindered me, and after 7 months I am still far away from being understood, and unable to attend school here. I am a disappointment.

But I still haven’t given up. I’m looking for another family in france so that I can spend my entire year speaking french. This will help me get into school next year and persue a degree.

I will still try to model, but doing this for me and not for anyone else. I also will not let this stop me from getting my nose pierced and maybe even a tattoo. I’m also trying to help myself emotionally and physically get better so I can be the best that I can. That’s all I want.

Precious Curls Giveaway!

28 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment

by Soleil in General

Precious Curls is having a Little Penguins giveaway!

http://www.precious-curls.com/2012/03/little-penguins-giveaway.html

Cope

14 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by Soleil in General

I am so quick to admit defeat when my back is against the wall that I wonder if I’m going to get better at coping with life.

I screwed up for the 3rd time with the kids safety as their au pair. The parents were furious beyond words and I could say nothing in my defense. I have been making the smallest errors in judgement that mean the world to this family. All of these mistakes have given them enough cause to break my contract and from yesterday I have been on edge. Whenever I work and things become stressful because my performance comes into question I break down. I can’t do anything but think “what if I lose my job”. It’s even greater now that I’m miles away from home and only 2 months into studying French and I’ve barely improved. Going back home will be humilating since I will have to face my parents and my classmates after having gained nothing.

I’m getting used to being an au pair and I’ve made mistakes but I don’t think I should be fired for this. I made a mistake that I didn’t even think was a problem. They also made the point that I don’t have kids so I can’t understand. I want to be given the chance to be better and grow. They say that they can’t trust me and tonight I will know if I will stay with them. I haven’t been able to think of anything but that since then. I even had to rely on my ex to help me get through the worst of it since I was shaking after me and the parents had a talk.

This is not the first time I’ve broken down like this. When I lost my last job, when I was living in the US, and when I got in problems in a previous job all had me like this. The first time I got in trouble I also felt trapped until she said that I was fine.

I need this SO much and I can’t do anything but better now. I just hope I’m given the chance. I can’t go back empty handed.

Changes

11 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by Soleil in General

It’s been a while now and I have to wonder if anything has ,hanged in my life. I’m writing this as I’m waiting on my train in lyon after spending a few hours here.

Me and my boyfriend have broken up again and I can’t help but feel like this is final. I’ve been too fed up to continue and even now his habits have not changed. Because of this I am single for the first time in a long time and confused about how to proceed from here. Tonight I saw couples and couldn’t help but wish that that was me. I can’t remember the last time I was loved, cuddled or cherished, and it’s time that I fould someone to love me.

My French has improved but slightly. I feel discouraged by my procress but I have been told that it’s normal and I really am learning and improving even though I don’t feel like it. I’m scared I won’t beed any good by summer 2012 and definitely not in time to apply for college in France. I’m a mess and it’s holding me back from being any good.

I’m still watching C. She’s doing so much and I’m here not moving at all. Her modeling is going great and she just had a lot of offers forf work during the holiday. Even with me securing 1 photoshoot next week I can’t compete with that, and everytime I look in the mirror I hate on myself a little more. I’m dying inside and only me knows it. I’m lonely because I don’t have any friends at school and the town I live in is too small to meet people. My French isn’t good enough to do a lot of activites and I spend most of my time doing what I did at home; stay locked in my room on the computer.

I want to make changes but I need to get a better start. Every year I make a decision to be better and I never do. I can only try to make it for the rest of the year and make 2012 worth something.

1 month

08 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment

by Soleil in General

It’s been one month since my last update, 3 days after my 26th birthday, 3 and a half weeks since I came to France, and about 6 hours since I put myself in a dark mood.

Birthday:

My birthday was uneventful. That is, I spent the day playing The Sims. I had plans with classmates but it all feel through and I couldn’t even go into the city to enjoy myself because I was low on cash. I was feeling low a few days prior like I always am on my birthday and having such a crappy birthday made me feel even worse. That is probably way today went the way it did.

Me:

I woke up feeling bad. The kids I take care of were being a pain and I have yet to get the hang of driving the manual car so I cut off the engine a lot today. I don’t remember why but I started thinking about C and I looked for photographers in Lyon. I didn’t find much, and the ones I did find were so expensive that I stopped looking. Then I remembered Model Mayhem and the model photographers on there so I decided to give it a look. I don’t know why but I signed up and have put myself out there as a new model. This isn’t the worst as I was looking for agencies I decided to do a search in C’s location and sure enough I found her. I looked through her new pics and even pulled up her facebook page. She I made me feel like shit because of that. I keep thinking she’s so much prettier than me and skinny compared to my size 10 frame as well as photogenic. I compared everything from skin tone to hair length and in all ways I “failed”. Then later today I found her twitter and blog and made myself feel even worse when she listed her accomplishments and attributes. Almost none of which I can account for.

I said that I would work on me and do better but she always makes me feel small even though she’s 4 years younger than me. My French is struggling and I feel like a failure already. Right now I’m bordering on depression and I hate this feeling even though I’m miles away from home. I hope I feel better soon because I can’t take much more of this.

2 months

08 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment

by Soleil in General

It’s been 2 months since I was last here and even longer since I had a real update. I want to go over this entire blog and take out a lot of the posts but then I would just be kidding myself to how I really work. In the last 2 months a lot has happened and I want to address it all here.

School:

I’m leaving for France for 10 months in the next week. I looked into being an au pair and after placing my profile all over the internet I finally got a family who really wanted to have me and made the steps to process my visa. There was 1 false positive but I was able to recover quickly and find this family. I will be an au pair to 4 children and live close to Lyon and go to school there. The money isn’t much, but the chance to move to France and study French at a language school is a once in a lifetime opportunity for many people, especially Bahamians. When I’m there I hope to gain enough French to be able to apply for University and I will also be applying for the teachers exchange program before I leave Nassau in France next year so that I will be able to not only teach if I do not find a family but attend school as well. I don’t want to return home just yet.

Self Esteem:

I have been working on me. It helps that I’ve been focused on doing what I love for the last 2 months and that I’ve been trying to go off to France, because I have been able to ignore C and all that comes with it. Up until tonight I have left her alone outside of a quick curious glance that showed nothing spectacular. I’m trying to work on me and not compare myself to her, and I hope France will be that escape for me and help build up the self-esteem that I’ve been missing for so long. It won’t be a quick easy fix, but if I’m in the country of my dreams doing what I want to do with no thoughts to anyone else but those that I love and love me I will succeed at being me.

Love:

I’m still with T. My boyfriend and I have had a rough time in the last 2 months but I can’t ask for a more supportive partner. When my family has been down on me for school and French he has been supportive and understanding. His help has been a blessing in this time. I do not know what to expect when I move to France and the 6hr time difference affects us, but right now we’re good and I hope it never changes.

There are lags in my faith and slips in my judgement but I’m happier now than I’ve been in a long time. I’m finally embracing my own life and loving it for what it is. C has her glamorous life that has no bearing on my life, and while I ignore her I have my own happiness to look forward to in the future. Me and T are still in a relationship and when I go to France we will fight to make it work, and if it does it will  mean that we made the right choice and can expect to have a healthy and happy future. It’s a long and not so easy road but I’m getting there slowly but surely ♥